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Getting nasty with "Big Brother"

The e-mail below came from someone who thought I might actually have access to blocking software.

Plus, a quick definition: "LAN" stands for "Local Area Network" the system that links together most desktop computers in the workplace.


Date: Thu, 11 Dec 1997 22:17:04 -0500
From: Name Withheld
Subject: Corporate Excellence
To: Steve Kremer
References: <01iqyawertfg003v5r@mail-relay.pcy.mci.net>

>I liked your idea about keeping employees out of trouble.

>But I'm having problems keeping my employees in line when it comes
>to our Internet Stations at work. I was wondering if you knew of any
>software packages that could let me monitor what sites my employees
>are going to and the duration of their visits. Any software that
>could be server side would be spectacular.

>I really don't like being "Big Brother", but it's gotten out of
>control. Can you help me?

>Sincerely,
>(Name Withheld)



Dear (Name Withheld),

Thank you very much for your e-mail. You have written at a very opportune time. My other company, Kremer Internet Software Systems, will be introducing its premiere product: Basic Internet Gateway Automated Security Solution 1.0 on January 1, 1998. It is a suite of server side software products for your LAN that can monitor your employee's Internet habits, plus much more. As well as logging the domain names of sites and duration of visits it also monitors other employee actions. For example it can log employee visits to the coffee maker and whether they deposited the required 25 cents for a cup of coffee. It can log whether an employee or employees have been sneaking into the supply room for a quick cigarette or a quick something else. Plus, the optional telephone interface software: Phone Host Usage Capable Yearly Access 1.2 logs not only personal outgoing non-business phone calls but also can log when, and duration, of any and all non-work related thoughts during work hours.

I will have one of our Account Executives contact you to set up a convenient time they can visit to demonstrate how Basic Internet Gateway Automated Security Solution 1.0 (BIG ASS 1.0) can be the solution to controlling your employee's thoughts and actions in the workplace.

Best Regards,
Steve Kremer
President, Kremer Internet Software Solutions

Our company slogan says it all...

"Kremer Internet Software Solutions Makes Your Basic Internet Gateway Local Area Network Automated, Simple, Secure."

or

"K.I.S.S M.Y. B.I.G. L.A.N. A.S.S."



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