A letter from a Clinton campaign contributor who spent the night in the Lincoln Bedroom

Dear Joke Wallpaper:

I am writing to give you a personal perspective on all the false news stories about the so called "selling of the White House." My dear close and personal friend Bill Clinton did not require me to pay him a $100,000 dollar donation when he invited me to spend the night as his guest at the White House late last year.

I am proud to say that I was one of the lucky Americans who had the honor to experience such a historic stay. I would like to set the record straight on exactly what went on that night at the White House.

I arrived at about 8:00PM and was personally greeted by Bill, Hillary, and Chelsea Clinton. After a pleasant conversation over coffee and Dunkin Donuts, Bill invited me to sign the guest registration for Bill & Hill's Bed & Breakfast. I signed in and paid the required $100,000 towel and bathrobe deposit with the bundled stacks of one hundred dollar bills I just happened to have in my briefcase. Bill then showed me to my room...The Lincoln Bedroom.

As Bill showed me around the room my bags were brought up by a ghostly apparition that Bill kept referring to as "Honest Abe". Bill remarked that having Abe working for him was about the only time he had actually seen a Republican doing manual labor. I planned to give Abe a one hundred dollar tip, but found that I was tapped out after paying the towel deposit. Bill suggested that I give Abe a five dollar bill. He said that Abe just loved looking at the portrait on the bill.

The President wished me pleasant evening and left me alone in the room. I looked around a little then flipped on the TV. I found that the only channels available were CSPAN 1, CSPAN 2, CNN, and something called the "Bubba Channel." All the "Bubba Channel" consisted of was a single static shot of a Big Mac and Fries. Bored with the television selection I decided to check out the other amenities in the room.

As I looked around the room I was shocked to see a forty-five caliber automatic pistol sitting next to the telephone on the night stand. I carefully picked up the gun and noticed it had an inscription on the side of the barrel. It said "For Room Service, Fire This Gun." I was puzzled, but decided I was a little hungry and a sandwich sounded pretty good. I took careful aim at one of the oil portraits hung on the wall and squeezed off a couple of rounds. No sooner had the last spent shell ejected from the gun then the door burst open and I was faced by two men in suits and sunglasses. One had his pistol drawn and the other held a pad of paper and a pencil. The one with the pistol spoke. "Secret Service Room Service, your order sir?" I ordered a ham on rye. It arrived a few minutes later and it was delicious, although, it was rather disconcerting to have the two agents stand on either side of me, guarding me, the entire time I ate.

After I finished the sandwich I decided to leaf through the Bill & Hill's Bed & Breakfast booklet by the phone. I had the usual phone numbers for dry cleaning, maid service, etc. One of the entries sounded interesting. It said "White House Ho, Ho, Ho's, Dial extension 116." Since this was just before Christmas I thought it was probably some sort of seasonal special so I dialed. The person who answered said "they" would be right up. A few minutes later there was a knock at the door. I opened to find former Clinton political advisor Dick Morris standing there with three very attractive, scantily clad young ladies. He introduced me to Candy, Brandy, and Sandy the "White House Ho's." They asked if I wanted one of the ladies to be "Mary Todd" for the night. I stammered, that would be great but I gave all my money to Bill. They left immediately after hearing that.

I decided to call it a night and went to bed. The rest of the night went by quietly, although I did have a presidential dream. It started with John Kennedy giving his inauguration speech with the words "Ask not what your country can give to you," at this point Kennedy's face turns into Bill Clinton's and he finishes the line "but what you can give to your president."

I woke up at about 7:00 AM and went down to breakfast with the Clintons. We had Egg McMuffins that Bill picked up during his morning jog. After breakfast I "checked out" of the White House. I decided to take home the towels and bathrobe from the room, so I guess I had to forfeit the hundred thousand dollar deposit. Oh well, I can write it off as a business expense.

Hillary saw me to the door and thanked me for coming. As I walked out she handed me a brochure for what she described as one of their "new ventures." It sounds very promising. Who else but the Clinton's would have had such a novel idea "The Camp David All-Inclusive Resort For Singles, opening soon!"

Greetings From Bill & Hill's Bed & Breakfast
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Greetings From Bill & Hill's Bed & Breakfast
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